Wednesday, November 20, 2013

TTC Cycle 1 of my Journey!

I figured that it would probably take a few months for us to get pregnant so I prepared myself mentally that we probably would not get pregnant the first time we tried. I can remember my Ovulation(O) from November 2012 like it was yesterday, I was in so much pain that I could barely walk. I had to take a Tylenol to relieve some of the pain . I actually remember the date, Nov. 18th. weird right. LOL.  I also took a Ovulation test and it was positive the day before and the day of. 
Dear husband(DH) and I were actually arguing this day, he ask me if the test was positive and I said "No". He saw the test in the garbage and decided to look at it and read the box. Yes, you can say that I'm stubborn because even though I knew it was positive I decided to tell him it wasn't. . When I got back home that night he made it his business to try and get me pregnant...From O time to my projected period (AF) day I did not monitor any symptoms because I just figured that it would take us a few months to get pregnant.  I was sick with a sore throat and a cold,  my friends kept joking telling me that I was pregnant, my response was always, "No I'm not". Well My breast started to hurt and I started feeling really tired. The day after AF was due ( I'm never late) I decided to buy a test and to my surprise "Pregnant" Popped up on the display screen. I was shocked, excited, nervous and any other emotion you can name I had it.
I told DH and he was extremely excited as well, he immediately started talking about baby names and would pray for the baby and talk to my stomach every chance he got. We went to our first Prenatal visit at 6 weeks and the midwife informed us that everything was OK and my cervix was closed etc. I decided that we could tell friends and family in the next couple weeks. By the time we finished tell everyone I was almost 8 weeks and my symptoms of being nauseous, tired, breast hurting and fatigue were staring to diminish. I thought that maybe it was normal and did some research and read that it was somewhat normal.
Well guess what in my case, it was not normal and I started spotting a few days after I told everyone. I called the nurse and she told me that is was "Normal" and to just rest. I stayed in the bed the rest of the night and the next day when I went to the bathroom the spotting turned red and I told DH that we needed to go the ER. Once we get there the nurse tells me again that bleeding is "Normal", they did the US and as they were doing it I could see clearly see nothing in the sac. They gave me paper for a threatened MC and told me what to expect and what I needed to do in the next few days.
I was devastated, crushed, sad, livid, and confused. I went home and cried myself to sleep. The next two days was the worst. I thought that I was just going to bleed and it would be over, well no that was not my experience at all. On Thursday night while watching a movie I started getting intense cramps for about 30-40 seconds every 5 minutes or so. OK, what the heck is going on. Dh would rub my back through each cramp to help relax me. I went to the restroom several times and each time I would pass a clot and the pain would go away for about 5 minutes. The last and final pain resulted in a blood clot the size of the palm of my hand. All the cramps are gone at this point. The cramps that I talk about are what I call MC Contractions. The most painful part to me was knowing that I was contracting to pass clots and not to have a baby. That hurt my soul to the core. All I could think is "Why me God, I never thought I would go through something like this.
I had days where I was sad, days that I was mad at God, days I was mad at DH. I was angry because in my head I was doing this the right way, I was married with no BIO children. My emotions were a wreck, I would just cry at the drop of a dime, most of the time nothing triggered it. I felt like I was depressed. This is the just a small passage to my Journey. I had the worst holidays ever and nothing no one said helped. I received some really sweet calls and messages and I got some that I just shook my head at. the worst message I got was, " Well at least you know you can get pregnant", I got "God makes no mistakes" "Well at least you were only 8 weeks" Really people, how about you think before you speak to a woman that has just lost her baby. The one thing that I did thank God for is for Allowing me to have some friends and family members that I told to help me through the Journey. I could not have done this on my own. I thank him for giving me support in my time of need.

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