I have never felt sad around holiday's, I love to see my family and friends. The days leading up to Thanksgiving was a little rough for me and the days following. I am truly thankful for everyone that surrounds me and that I can share my journey and Struggle with you all while I'm still in the midst of my Storm.
All I could think about is why am I not pregnant. Why is it that everyone around me is getting pregnant. The constant struggle is emotionally draining. I'm tired of crying, tired of being sad. Tired of Wanting to slap every person that says "It will Happen", "just relax" etc. I have been praying and talking to God about his purpose for me. The answer is coming to me slowly but surely. I have come to realize that I'm not in control of my life and things will happen when God's see fit. Even though I know this to be true and I pray for my rainbow baby daily, its hard sometimes to stay positive and optimistic that I will get the desires of my heart. I have to just keep praying and have faith, I know that all of what I am going through is part of my testimony and is drawing me closer to God.
Let your Problems drive you into the arms of Jesus. "Don't worry about anything; instead pray about everything..Then you will experience God's Peace, which exceeds anything we can understand" PHP 4:6 NLT
Thursday, December 5, 2013
Wednesday, November 20, 2013
TTC Cycle 1 of my Journey!
I figured that it would probably take a few months for us to get pregnant so I prepared myself mentally that we probably would not get pregnant the first time we tried. I can remember my Ovulation(O) from November 2012 like it was yesterday, I was in so much pain that I could barely walk. I had to take a Tylenol to relieve some of the pain . I actually remember the date, Nov. 18th. weird right. LOL. I also took a Ovulation test and it was positive the day before and the day of.
Dear husband(DH) and I were actually arguing this day, he ask me if the test was positive and I said "No". He saw the test in the garbage and decided to look at it and read the box. Yes, you can say that I'm stubborn because even though I knew it was positive I decided to tell him it wasn't. . When I got back home that night he made it his business to try and get me pregnant...From O time to my projected period (AF) day I did not monitor any symptoms because I just figured that it would take us a few months to get pregnant. I was sick with a sore throat and a cold, my friends kept joking telling me that I was pregnant, my response was always, "No I'm not". Well My breast started to hurt and I started feeling really tired. The day after AF was due ( I'm never late) I decided to buy a test and to my surprise "Pregnant" Popped up on the display screen. I was shocked, excited, nervous and any other emotion you can name I had it.
I told DH and he was extremely excited as well, he immediately started talking about baby names and would pray for the baby and talk to my stomach every chance he got. We went to our first Prenatal visit at 6 weeks and the midwife informed us that everything was OK and my cervix was closed etc. I decided that we could tell friends and family in the next couple weeks. By the time we finished tell everyone I was almost 8 weeks and my symptoms of being nauseous, tired, breast hurting and fatigue were staring to diminish. I thought that maybe it was normal and did some research and read that it was somewhat normal.
Well guess what in my case, it was not normal and I started spotting a few days after I told everyone. I called the nurse and she told me that is was "Normal" and to just rest. I stayed in the bed the rest of the night and the next day when I went to the bathroom the spotting turned red and I told DH that we needed to go the ER. Once we get there the nurse tells me again that bleeding is "Normal", they did the US and as they were doing it I could see clearly see nothing in the sac. They gave me paper for a threatened MC and told me what to expect and what I needed to do in the next few days.
I was devastated, crushed, sad, livid, and confused. I went home and cried myself to sleep. The next two days was the worst. I thought that I was just going to bleed and it would be over, well no that was not my experience at all. On Thursday night while watching a movie I started getting intense cramps for about 30-40 seconds every 5 minutes or so. OK, what the heck is going on. Dh would rub my back through each cramp to help relax me. I went to the restroom several times and each time I would pass a clot and the pain would go away for about 5 minutes. The last and final pain resulted in a blood clot the size of the palm of my hand. All the cramps are gone at this point. The cramps that I talk about are what I call MC Contractions. The most painful part to me was knowing that I was contracting to pass clots and not to have a baby. That hurt my soul to the core. All I could think is "Why me God, I never thought I would go through something like this.
I had days where I was sad, days that I was mad at God, days I was mad at DH. I was angry because in my head I was doing this the right way, I was married with no BIO children. My emotions were a wreck, I would just cry at the drop of a dime, most of the time nothing triggered it. I felt like I was depressed. This is the just a small passage to my Journey. I had the worst holidays ever and nothing no one said helped. I received some really sweet calls and messages and I got some that I just shook my head at. the worst message I got was, " Well at least you know you can get pregnant", I got "God makes no mistakes" "Well at least you were only 8 weeks" Really people, how about you think before you speak to a woman that has just lost her baby. The one thing that I did thank God for is for Allowing me to have some friends and family members that I told to help me through the Journey. I could not have done this on my own. I thank him for giving me support in my time of need.
Dear husband(DH) and I were actually arguing this day, he ask me if the test was positive and I said "No". He saw the test in the garbage and decided to look at it and read the box. Yes, you can say that I'm stubborn because even though I knew it was positive I decided to tell him it wasn't. . When I got back home that night he made it his business to try and get me pregnant...From O time to my projected period (AF) day I did not monitor any symptoms because I just figured that it would take us a few months to get pregnant. I was sick with a sore throat and a cold, my friends kept joking telling me that I was pregnant, my response was always, "No I'm not". Well My breast started to hurt and I started feeling really tired. The day after AF was due ( I'm never late) I decided to buy a test and to my surprise "Pregnant" Popped up on the display screen. I was shocked, excited, nervous and any other emotion you can name I had it.
I told DH and he was extremely excited as well, he immediately started talking about baby names and would pray for the baby and talk to my stomach every chance he got. We went to our first Prenatal visit at 6 weeks and the midwife informed us that everything was OK and my cervix was closed etc. I decided that we could tell friends and family in the next couple weeks. By the time we finished tell everyone I was almost 8 weeks and my symptoms of being nauseous, tired, breast hurting and fatigue were staring to diminish. I thought that maybe it was normal and did some research and read that it was somewhat normal.
Well guess what in my case, it was not normal and I started spotting a few days after I told everyone. I called the nurse and she told me that is was "Normal" and to just rest. I stayed in the bed the rest of the night and the next day when I went to the bathroom the spotting turned red and I told DH that we needed to go the ER. Once we get there the nurse tells me again that bleeding is "Normal", they did the US and as they were doing it I could see clearly see nothing in the sac. They gave me paper for a threatened MC and told me what to expect and what I needed to do in the next few days.
I was devastated, crushed, sad, livid, and confused. I went home and cried myself to sleep. The next two days was the worst. I thought that I was just going to bleed and it would be over, well no that was not my experience at all. On Thursday night while watching a movie I started getting intense cramps for about 30-40 seconds every 5 minutes or so. OK, what the heck is going on. Dh would rub my back through each cramp to help relax me. I went to the restroom several times and each time I would pass a clot and the pain would go away for about 5 minutes. The last and final pain resulted in a blood clot the size of the palm of my hand. All the cramps are gone at this point. The cramps that I talk about are what I call MC Contractions. The most painful part to me was knowing that I was contracting to pass clots and not to have a baby. That hurt my soul to the core. All I could think is "Why me God, I never thought I would go through something like this.
I had days where I was sad, days that I was mad at God, days I was mad at DH. I was angry because in my head I was doing this the right way, I was married with no BIO children. My emotions were a wreck, I would just cry at the drop of a dime, most of the time nothing triggered it. I felt like I was depressed. This is the just a small passage to my Journey. I had the worst holidays ever and nothing no one said helped. I received some really sweet calls and messages and I got some that I just shook my head at. the worst message I got was, " Well at least you know you can get pregnant", I got "God makes no mistakes" "Well at least you were only 8 weeks" Really people, how about you think before you speak to a woman that has just lost her baby. The one thing that I did thank God for is for Allowing me to have some friends and family members that I told to help me through the Journey. I could not have done this on my own. I thank him for giving me support in my time of need.
Wednesday, November 13, 2013
Who I'am and Why I Chose to Blog......
I am a 32 year old married woman with no Biological children of my own. As long as I could remember my plans for a family was get married at 25, have a baby at 27 and another at 29, and if God blessed me with twins that would be great as well. Well lets just say none of that happened, I got married at 29 and I have no Bio children. In 2011 I notice a change in my menstrual cycle and that I was craving Ice all the time. Okay something isn't right, I went to my doctor in Aug 2011and explained to her that I thought I may have fibroid's because of the changes that i was currently going through, she stated that she didn't think i had them because I had an annual and everything was perfect...okay...well you are the doctor so i trusted her opinion.
She did test and it came back that I was an anemic. I started iron immediately. My cycles were getting terrible, i would need to change my pads and tampons every hour, yes I had to wear both, and the super overnight ones at that. I decided to go see a different doctor about 6 months later and i explained to her what was going on and she did an exam and told me at the point that "yes you do have fibroid's, but we have to confirm with ultrasound". Long story short I indeed had them and i was scheduled to have them removed. I had to have several test before the surgery. My Doctor explained to me that after my surgery we had to wait three months before trying to conceive(TTC) and that I had to have a c-section, okay that's fine with me.
I have my Oh so painful surgery and waiting my three months so we can start having Baby making fun. We started trying about 2 weeks after we were cleared to to give my body more rest. The 1st month trying, we got pregnant only to have the pregnancy end at 8 weeks. I was devastated, and so was my husband. I began doing some research and looking on different forums only to find that Miscarriages(MC) are really common. This put me at ease just a little, So the doctor gave us the go to start TTC once my cycle came, it took 5 weeks for my post-mc cycle to come. Reading all the different things and listening to everyone tell me, you will get pregnant fast after a mc. Well lets just say that after 1 mc and 2 Chemical pregnancies 1 year later I'm not pregnant nor do I have a baby.
This journey has shown me so many things, has me on an emotional roller coaster, has tested my faith but most importantly I have grown spiritually from this Journey. I have decided to write this blog while I'm going through my TESTimony instead of after I get my blessing of being pregnant and the pregnancy leads to me being a mommy. I will talk about some of the things that I went through, the things I'm going through, the things I have done( and yes its a lot) and the things that I plan to do and lastly what I'm doing in my current TTC journey. I hope my blog can bless someone and can help you through your journey whether its a TTC journey or starting a new business, this blog is more so about losing the battle but ultimately winning the war. God has us go through some trying times for us to appreciate what we have and what will come even more.
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